Jokes , Videos..etc

[davehc]

My thoughts aloud.

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."


Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points.


Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."


"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

 

[tomheaverlo]

Good ones Gideon!

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]

Written by a 90 year old




This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!




Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .




"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.




My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:




1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.




2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.




3. Life is too short – enjoy it.




4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.




5. Pay off your credit cards every month.




6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.




7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.




8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.




9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.




10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.




11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.




12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.




13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.




14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.




15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.




16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.




17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.




18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.




19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.




20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.




21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.




22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.




23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.




24. The most important sex organ is the brain.




25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.




26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'




27. Always choose life.




28. Forgive




29. What other people think of you is none of your business.




30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.




31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.




32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.




33. Believe in miracles.




34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.




35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.




36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.




37. Your children get only one childhood.




38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.




39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.




40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.




41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need




42. The best is yet to come...




43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.




44. Yield.




45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]

Troy drives to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very


exclusive, gated community near Chicago , where all the residents have a


net income of way more than $250,000 per year.


Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest


bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the


problem and tells Obama that it's an easy repair, that will take less


than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his


rate chart and says, "$9,500."


"What?! $9,500?!" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy


repair. Michelle will kill me if I pay a plumber that much!"


Troy says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than


$250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of


poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter


of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy


into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as the


'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."


In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there's no way he's paying that much


for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour


flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he


finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of


business. Not wanting to pay Troy 's price, Obama does nothing and the


leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so


bad President Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.


Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning.


The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and


there's a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with


him to return.


Troy goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new


rate chart and says, "Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000."


Obama quickly fires back, "What? A few days ago you told me it would


cost $9,500!"


Troy explains, "Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of


wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own


plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a


result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising.


Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those


who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of


those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs,


especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a


lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced,


and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they


can't make any money at it. I'm hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich


people like you who won't pay their 'fair share'. On the other hand, why


didn't you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought


plumbing insurance available under the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' all


this would have been covered by your policy."


"You mean I wouldn't have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing


problem?" asks Obama.


"Well, not exactly," replies Troy . "You would have had to buy the


insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you're


rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have


given you a 'silver' plan, and then, since this would have been your


first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and


anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there's the


mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there


are some costs involved. Nothing is for free."


"WHAT?!" exclaims Obama. "Why so much for a puny sink leak?!"


With a bland look, Troy replies, "Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said.


And the internal cost of the program itself. You don't think a program


of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are


millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the 'middle


class', who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support.


That's why they call it the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'! Only people who


don't make much money can get it. If you want affordable plumbing,


you'll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your


and Michelle's income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to GET your


'Fair Share' instead of GIVING it."


"But who would pass a crazy act like the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'?!"


exclaims the exasperated Obama.


*After a sigh, Troy replies, "Congress ... because they didn't read it."*








*This will help you understand Obamacare .... And here you have it, the


'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'.


What a marvelous explanation......*

 

[JustJustin22]

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

lol ha ha, yes!

 

[JustJustin22]

lol ha ha, yes!

nothing beats a good bloody mary. I like mine with a shot of sherry.

 

[Gideon]

Windows 10: After-launch FAQs

 

[Gideon]

 

[tomheaverlo]

Choice!!

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]

 

[tomheaverlo]

Damn glad I switched to oatmeal!

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]

 

[Gideon]