Jokes , Videos..etc
- Thread starter Gideon
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride, who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story… "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge… He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead”. “Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly”.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride, who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story… "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge… He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead”. “Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly”.
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Keep 'em coming Gideon... they're getting better! 
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2015
- Messages
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Dear Friends,
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI. It saved me.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, it happened to me. I was out for the evening and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of a rather nice red wine.
Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough, on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI. It saved me.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, it happened to me. I was out for the evening and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of a rather nice red wine.
Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough, on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2015
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Washington Airport Agent reports...
A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble.
1) I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat
so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke),
who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ,
Cape Town is in South Africa ...''
His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas ..
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ...
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois ,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),
and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed
in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times
and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!''
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with,
''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble.
1) I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat
so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke),
who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight
and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ,
Cape Town is in South Africa ...''
His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas ..
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ...
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois ,
but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),
and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed
in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times
and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!''
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with,
''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2015
- Messages
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- Reaction score
- 31
Man... it's long past time to pull up stakes and get the hell out of here!
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2015
- Messages
- 115
- Reaction score
- 31
Boy... ain't it the truth!!!!!
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2015
- Messages
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- 118
Absolutely classic
!!!
Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
!!!
Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2015
- Messages
- 115
- Reaction score
- 31
Hey... that works for me!!!!